We live in a world that values appearance. Whether we like to admit it or not we form our first impressions based on very superficial features. Some of us are able to look past what is on the cover of the book and look inside for it’s true value. Others remain preoccupied with the cover and buy into the advertised message.

So when does this preoccupation with body image and appearance start?  From a developmental perspective, until children are preschool age, a child’s self esteem is almost entirely based on how they are treated by their caregivers, or family and friends, with whom they come in contact.  Even exposure to media at this age does not have the negative impact it has later on as children’s growing cognitive abilities expand to see themselves as separate individuals from others. In the magical early years of childhood, children may even believe, when they play dress-up, that they are truly transformed into the costume they adorn.

Then children start kindergarten, and elementary school, and the feedback of others and socio-cultural biases reflected in the media start to impact self -esteem in positive or negative ways. Seeds of body dissatisfaction, disordered eating and full blown eating disorders get planted during these years. Although only a small percentage of people end up suffering from Anorexia or Bulimia or serious eating disorders, a large proportion of young girls and women, in this culture, suffer to some extent from dissatisfaction with their bodies, distorted body image and have disordered eating. Not surprisingly, but to a lesser degree, men are becoming increasingly dissatisfied with their bodies. A study in the British Journal of Health Psychology, on parental influence on dieting awareness in young children concluded, “The negative self comparisons to unrealistic images portrayed by media are not just a female issue anymore. A substantial proportion of young children have internalized societal beliefs concerning the ideal body shape and are well aware of dieting as a means for achieving this ideal. In particular, the desire for thinness emerges in girls at around age 6.

Although it seems alarming that most children are exposed to dieting parents and almost all children are exposed to popular media, there are a good number of children who seem to escape this pressure and grow to have a balanced and healthy sense of self that is not wrapped around their appearance alone. There are some protective qualities that can be encouraged in children, at a young age, to allow for development of a healthy self image.

As a society, we believe that increasing knowledge around any issue, helps prevent large scale problems like AIDS, drug abuse, drinking and driving etc. In reality these simple measures to educate have a very small impact on changing behaviors. It does not help build coping skills. It tells us what not to do without providing tools to cope with the pressures of real life. In building a healthy sense of self, “just say no”, does not seem to be a helpful approach.

On the other hand, helping children become better consumers of media is a very effective way of building resistance to societal pressures. Children can be taught critical thinking skills in simple every day situations like on their trip to the supermarket. The beautiful displays and packages communicate the glories of products, where as the product may or may not match up to the claims. Having children experience the “spin” first hand is a meaningful way of using their own instincts rather than “buy” into what is being “sold” to them. These messages can be brought to their attention with commercials, movies and even news sources. In all these small ways, children can learn that the vastly unachievable images projected by media are unrealistic and even harmful.

Another very important way for parents to be supportive of the healthy development of their children’s self esteem is to ensure that they are never teased for the way they look. People with eating disorders often report that the seed of body dissatisfaction was planted when they were teased or heard a devastating remark from someone significant in their lives, generally at a young age. Students of gymnastics and ballet are specially at a higher risk for weight and body size related remarks.

Unfortunately as a society, in placing such a high value on thinness we don’t honor the natural diversity in shapes, sizes and skin (and hair) color, on the other hand have one of the highest proportion of obese children and adults in the world. Perhaps some amount of education on healthy life style is needed at all ages.

A few things that parents can actively do to vaccinate their children against unhealthy body image:

• Model a healthy and balanced emphasis to internal and external qualities by praising children for their work, effort and internal qualities with how they look. We have all heard comments that reflect the double standards of our socialization; girls hear “you look so pretty” and boys hear “you throw like a champ”.
• Try to avoid social comparisons and judgements about others. It helps weaken peer pressure.
• As much as possible, watch movies and TV shows with your children so you can use the teaching moments that invariably come up. It helps children know your values more explicitly.
• Discuss their role models with them. Often parents are surprised that they are their children’s role models and not the popular movie or sports figures.
• Avoid using terms “I was BAD” when you eat french fries or a decadent dessert. The terms “healthy” or “unhealthy” usually convey a sense of responsibility to self than “good or bad”.
• Helping children expand their vocabulary of feeling words. Food often serves as an expression of emotion in the absence of open communication.

These are some warning signs that seeds, of destruction of a healthy body image, have set in:

• Picky eating (obsessive concern about weight, calories, or a certain part of the body).
• Possession of diet pills, laxatives, diuretics.
• Excessive exercise or dieting.
• Evidence of bingeing and/or vomiting.

Parents often feel the need to praise and compliment their children to foster a positive self esteem. In reality a healthy sense of self is only ultimately achieved by real accomplishments and not empty praise. Children, and adults, need opportunities to discover who they are and become aware of their strengths in a loving and supportive environment.

Anybody can become angry – that is easy, but to be angry with the right person and to the right degree and at the right time and for the right purpose, and in the right way – that is not within everybody’s power and is not easy – Aristotle

Very often people struggle with knowing what they are really feeling when they are angry. On the one hand, anger is universally recognizable and understood. On the other hand, anger is a very complicated set of emotions with layers of feelings. Anger, for a lot of people, is the go-to emotion when they are hurt, afraid, disillusioned, misunderstood, or even embarrassed.  Since many people are unable to understand the complexity of their anger, they are even less likely to care for, or manage, this emotion in a constructive manner.

Most of us associate anger with rage, being out of control or being destructive. Thinking of anger, as a constructive emotion, is often difficult because it feels corrosive and uncomfortable. Yet anger at the unjust world is what motivated the likes of Gandhi and Martin Luther King, Jr. Women, more often than men, are likely to suppress or mismanage their angry feelings. Women, in most cultures, are socialized to hide or sublimate their angry feelings. Where as men typically let out their anger in recognizable ways, women tend towards internalizing their anger or expressing it in more complicated ways. Although it may seem unfair to generalize, research support that across the board, women from different socio-cultural backgrounds, tend to use passive aggressive or manipulative means of managing or expressing their anger. For example, women are more likely to use the internet or emails as a weapon for attacking or for bullying from a safe distance. The book Mean Girls, Meaner Women, written by two psychologists, Dr. Erika Holiday and Dr. Joan I. Rosenberg, addresses this issue in greater depth and detail.

Popular wisdom about how to deal with anger is also often problematic. It is not uncommon to hear people say that they scream into a pillow or punch a punching bag to let out their anger. Unfortunately many of these strategies can have the opposite impact on our bodies, minds and relationships. Anger tends to have many physiological effects on the body, e.g., elevated heart rate, raised blood pressure, and tightening of muscles. Anger can evoke the same “fight or flight” responses in our body, as when faced with a scary situation. The strategies of punching or screaming exagerate the very feelings that we are attempting to temper. Also, a common way of dealing with anger, is expressing anger verbally in the name of communication. “You have to let it out”, is the common bias in this culture. Not all communication is effective and self- restraint is confused with being weak or passive.  Letting the anger out, very often provides support for the angry person feeling even more justified in being angry. The most ineffective form of communication or of expressing anger tends to be when one is the angriest.

Interestingly, not letting out the anger, can be equally destructive. Since our minds and bodies are intimately related, unmanaged anger often shows up in the body as aches and pains, stress and even diseases like depression and anxiety. It is easy to see the link between the need to soothe difficult emotions and substance abuse or eating disorders. The more effective ways of dealing with anger requires a lot of self evaluation, changes in attitudes, re-evaluating relationships, one’s role in the relationships and cultivation of new habits. Thich Nhat Hanh provides a compassionate way of looking at anger in the book Taming the tiger within: Meditations on Transforming Difficult Emotions. In his infinite but simple wisdom, he says, “If you get angry easily, it may be because the seed of anger in you has been watered frequently over many years, and unfortunately you have allowed it or even encouraged it to be watered”. To stop watering this seed of anger, therefore, we probably have to focus our energy elsewhere, learn new coping skills and cultivate other qualities.

One of the ways of better understanding our anger and dealing effectively with anger continues to be effective communication. Unfortunately, we over use the word communication but misunderstand the essence of it. Anger gets communicated without words even more palpably than with words. Slamming doors or silent treatments are loud examples of non-verbal communication. The most important aspect of communication that is often neglected is “listening”. We are more likely view the act of listening as the time spent waiting to express our side of things or gathering up more evidence to assert our point of view. Listening with the intention of truly understanding the other is challenging and takes practice. It takes many years of training as a psychologist or a therapist to listen with unconditional acceptance.

Forgiveness is another profoundly helpful strategy to deal with unresolved or long term anger. Perhaps because it is associated with religiosity, forgiveness is also a widely misunderstood concept. People sometimes equate forgiveness with giving someone else permission to continue to wrong them or with forgetting bad events. Forgiveness is, simply, a conscious act of acceptance of the realities as they exist, and allows for healing and unburdening. It takes practice and it happens in small increments, like watering the seed and watching it sprout and grow into a healthy plant.

If you shut your door to all errors truth will be shut out.  ~Rabindranath Tagore, Stray Birds, 1916

As children we are made to fear mistakes because mistakes are often followed by some form of punishment or negative consequences. This may be the reason why we continue to view mistakes as shameful and bad rather than as learning opportunities. How do we help our children, and ourselves, view mistakes as a normal human experience or as learning opportunities? Try asking these questions with real curiosity:

• Have you made this mistake before?
• What circumstances led up to making these mistakes?
• Are there others involved in this mistake? What is your contribution?
• How have you felt after making this mistake?
• How would you feel if you made the same mistake again?

It is really difficult for us to keep ourselves from judging and defending the mistakes. It is equally hard for us to forgive ourselves when the mistakes hurt others or have a long lasting impact on ourselves. The qualities that help in these circumstances are openness and acceptance to learn, flexibility to change our thoughts and actions, and most importantly wisdom to see the value in the mistake.

We live in a world where you can google and get an answer to almost every question you have. Life has become a lot easier at some levels and we have become a global community with an exchange of ideas and thoughts from all reaches of the world. There is an answer waiting for every question. One question that many people have is what is standing between them and their success in life. By success, people are often referring to tangible economic success, the kind of success Bill Gates, Oprah Winfrey, J. K. Rowling  and others in that league have attained. There is a book that made it all look simpler; The Secret provided answers that appealed to the masses. There were a lot of inspiring quotes from people who have reached a level of success in their respective worlds. The law of attraction, made popular by this book, fed the same belief proposed by many self-help books; positive thinking propels us to positive outcomes in our lives. That it all resides in our thoughts and patterns of thinking leaves the rest of us believing that the ordinary successes are a result of ordinary thoughts.

Shedding light on the real secrets to success are two books, Outliers by Malcolm Gladwell and Better by Atul Gawande. These authors acknowledge the role of intelligence and ambition (nature) and opportunities (nurture) on the road to success. The 10,000 hour rule outlined by Gladwell helps us understand the many traits that successful people have in common. He provides several examples of all the work that goes into the ultimate success of most outstanding athletes, entertainers and entrepreneurs. It brings to mind the humorous line “the harder I work, the luckier I get”.

Gawande, a physician observing our health care climate, brings home more simple truths about success and failure. He attributes success to diligence, doing the right thing and ingenuity in the way we approach work. In his attempt to improve the world of medicine, he found that examining the failures is just as helpful as seeking out answers to what contributes to success. He brings home the point that we generally look for easy fixes: the one simple change that will improve every thing. It is not uncommon for people to use antidepressant as the easy fix when sad or depressed, which is a lot easier than looking into circumstances that caused the sadness, or working hard to change their outlook or find tools to cope with the circumstances. People struggling with weight issues are seduced into using appetite suppressants rather than making healthier choices every step of the way. In fact, walking ten thousand steps a day, as recommended by conventional wisdom has more benefits to the mind and body than simple weight loss. Maybe more simply, success involves thousands of hours, hundreds of little steps, and retracing steps when lost to reach the ultimate goals.

The secret to success is not really a big secret. There are things we can control and things we have little control over. Realistic assessment of our abilities, work ethic, diligence, focus, desire are within our control for the most part. The factors that are not within our control are often determined by social, economic, cultural and political forces and have more to do with the opportunities presented to us and the choices we can make in our lives. In Outliers, Gladwell even attributes success in some sports to the time of the year the athletes were born. The naive assumption that we are entirely responsible for our successes or failures is based in the widely held individualistic value system and it leads us to seek simple answers to complex problems.

The truths that our grandparents knew or that our faiths drilled into us are often not as palatable or accessible to us as what is available on the world wide web. It is this confusingly ever present web that traps us while it provides a lot of access to the world.

Parenting is one of the most overwhelming, challenging and complicated journeys that any of us ever planned to take. Yet, it can be made joyous and simpler. Here is what I have learned about parenting: Parenting involves teaching and teaching involves learning. If we start with learning about ourselves and know what we want to teach, parenting becomes less complicated.

A. Knowing your own values and beliefs about the world.

• We often forget how we teach by example. What we do is learned more easily than what we say.

B. Setting limits that have a good logic behind them.

• Setting limits without anger, threats or lectures.
• Avoid power struggles by including the young person in setting limits. Children have their own wisdom so let them use it.
• Have a discussion about natural consequences of behaviors. Life teaches you more lasting lessons than punishments.

C. When the limits are broken or stretched, the young person has to set it right.

• Be empathic about their problem. It “sucks” to fail or make mistakes.
• Let them solve the problem. Real self esteem is built on our ability to solve problems and correct our mistakes.

Sources: Parenting with love and logic by Jim Fay, and Everyday Blessings: The Inner Work of Mindful Parenting by Myla Kabat-zinn & Jon Kabat-zinn